it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
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[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest