Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
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Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
dictator is short for richard potato
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.