Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
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My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor