Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
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Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.