Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
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No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose