I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
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don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.