Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
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Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”