One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
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It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants