*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
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My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.