I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
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waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)