*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
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A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.