You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
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My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
apparently this year was written by stephen king
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.