Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
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A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Put a ring on it
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
me, too, girl. me, too.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.