11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
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I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
he looks great for his age
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.