Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
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Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger