I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
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Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.