Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
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If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
and now we wait