At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
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Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
This hospital has everything
he chose this
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!