“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
You Might Also Like
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding