I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
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I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Me too door. Me too.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”