Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
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“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.