Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
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My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?