HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
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Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.