me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
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I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”