my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
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convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.