interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
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Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT