What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
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Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you