Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
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It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.