Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
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Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)