Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
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Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s