People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
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Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
the short answer to this question
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Animal poetry
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.