I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
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Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”