I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
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*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive