Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
You Might Also Like
live, laugh, laundry.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”