I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
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It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
giddy up Office Depot
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?