in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
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Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
He took my last fry, your honor
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is