Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
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[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.