I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
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Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.