Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
You Might Also Like
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.