me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
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*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
New comic up. “Ransom”
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
I hate my earbuds.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams