{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
You Might Also Like
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.