We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
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If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING