Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
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Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery