Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
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Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku