Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
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Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix