“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
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Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?