LOL
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Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting