What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
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You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.