If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
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Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
nyc:
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.