“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
You Might Also Like
ATMs should have breathalyzers
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
The news is so predictable nowadays
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.